Free Huimorous Essays

Essay on Humorous Wedding Toast by the Bride's Brother

501 Words3 Pages

Humorous Wedding Toast by the Bride's Brother

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Mike for his kind words and reiterate how wonderful they look and what a fantastic job they have done today. I would also like to say that Sallie looks stunning - as I'm sure you'll all agree. Which really isn't that much of a surprise given we are related.

Sallie is of course my sister, so I've known her much longer than I've known Mike. But I have been sternly warned not to delve into any of her terrible past relationships, her horrible pre- and post-teen attitude, her early problems with alcohol and the short spell she spent in a Singapore jail for drug trafficking. Instead, all I'll say…show more content…

So just who is this man Sallie is marrying?

Well, he is a highly responsible executive ... he's responsible for lower profits, he's responsible for inefficiency and he's responsible for a terrible corporate scandal.

Previous to this he attended Exeter University. I have very little material with regard to Mike's 3 years as a student there, and everybody I've spoken to has no memory of it either - including Mike. He did return an excellent poker (snooker) player though.

He's also a very keen golfer and is a member of a club. But sadly, he is not blessed with the natural ability to play the game well. On one occasion, following a very disappointing round with me, he asked the club professional for some tips and pointers. After observing his swing, he advised Mike to cut 6 inches off the length of his clubs. Thinking that he had been struggling all these years with the wrong equipment, Mike asked why. He replied, 'The smaller clubs will fit in the trashcan (dustbin) better!'

Above all else, though, Mike is perhaps the only person who could possibley make an honest woman out of my sister. So, I think I speak for my parents when I say, 'Thank you!'

Seriously, Sallie has given me, and all my family, some incredibly happy moments over the years. And Mike, you fit right in with our family. Welcome! You bring happiness to Sallie, and for that we thank you.

Now Mike, some people will tell you that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I don't know who made

Show More

Call it Sleepless
Tablet, 20 February 2018

I spent years blaming my daughter’s torturous insomnia on my parenting habits and my Holocaust-survivor family’s emotional legacy. Turned out, the culprit was her adenoids. Yet I had trouble accepting that the problem was pathology and not personality.

Doctors Missed My Ectopic Pregnancy — & It Nearly Killed Me
Cafe Mom, 9 August 2017

After my ectopic pregnancy, I felt insanely scared and sick and isolated — for months. If I’d known more about ectopics – which affect 2% of pregnancies and are the main reason for first-trimester mortality – I probably would have mentioned different symptoms to my doctors. I hope to break miscarriage taboos and share information. (Not my headline, of course!)

The Helicopter Shrink
Tablet, 10 May 2017

On how a therapist unexpectedly helped me appreciate my own mom.

Why You Should Stop Asking Your Friends For (Free) Wedding Help
Harpers BAZAAR, 10 August 2016

Always an MC, Never a Bridesmaid… On the challenges of working weddings.

Should I Make My Daughter Clean Her Room?
New York Times Sunday Review, 11 June 2016

Should we make our kids clean their rooms? What are the real benefits of tidying up and/or living in neat spaces? I did research.

I’ve Become My Hoarder Mother
Salon, 7 May 2016

How being a mother made me a more empathetic daughter as I finally learnt to appreciate my mom’s stuff. (With extremely misleading title.)

The Festival of Cleaning
Tablet, 20 April 2016

Passover is known as a holiday of salvation, liberation, even constipation, but to me it was always a holiday of sanitation.

How I Finally Made Peace With My Hoarding Mother
Redbook, 17 February 2016

On growing up, and seeing how Mom’s behaviors emerged – not from aggression – but from illness and love.

Standing Up Before Settling Down
SheKnows, 23 February 2016

I didn’t want to date him, I wanted to be him. An essay on comedy, careers and bad love. (And then good love.)

Let’s Stop Talking to Our Kids
Salon, 3 February 2016

Why do we talk to our kids so much? Or really, why’s it so hard to just be silent? On how to not-talk to children.

Let it Go
Vogue, 1 February 2016

On the dangers of decluttering… We celebrate purging our domestic wares, but can we take Kondomania too far?

Stuff: Is it Good for the Jews?
Jewish Book Council, 6 January 2016

Do Jews “collect” and if so, why? On the value of stuff in the Jewish home.

My Mother, a Character
Jewish Book Council, 4 January 2016

On showing my mother my manuscript for my book — about her. She handed it back to me — with notes. (Reprinted in Paper Brigade.)

Learning to Make Room for a Sibling
Washington Post, 8 January 2016

A child of a hoarder, I desperately wanted a second child. But I was afraid I didn’t have room – in my apartment, and in my heart.

My Mom Was a Hoarder
Cosmopolitan, 5 January 2016

On how I learnt to cohabit… even with a guy who “collected” tickets to every single music gig he’d ever been to. Reprinted in Elle Decor and House Beautiful.

Bubbe vs Bubbe
Tablet, 5 January 2016

A tale of two Bubbes. An essay about grandmotherly love, Anglo-American divides and meat.

Good, 19 May 2015

A contemplation on the ways in which we sleep (oh beloved sleep, how I miss thou) and whether the coveted nighttime 8 hours is an obsolete dream. Written, of course, in a brutally exhausted haze.

Private Preschool: Demystifying the Admissions Process
Noodle, 11 March 2015

My concise guide to the psycho insane NYC preschool admissions process. PLUS: A 5-part series of my practical application tips and a reported piece on college admissions too.

My Husband Wanted to Break the Fast Early and I Didn’t
Tablet, 1 October 2014

Breaking the Fast: My short essay on Yom Kippur and parental conflict.

Across the Pond, a Lesson in British Mourning
Modern Loss, 18 August 2014

Do people mourn differently across cultures? An essay about funerals, Britishness and cultural anxiety.

My Hoarding Anxiety
Salon, 24 November 2013

Many things about motherhood terrified me, including the ludicrous amount of stuff I was expected to buy for the bebe… It had taken me decades to build intimacy and a comfortable, calm, ‘white walled’ home, and now I needed to turn part of it into a chaotic, overstuffed nursery. Oy.

How I Finally Learned to Accept My Face
xoJane, 23 November 2013

A tale about about the debilitating anxiety I developed over my aging skin. In this story, I learn that you can’t change your countenance with creams, but possibly, with perspective. (My original title: Saving Face.)

New Mother, Leading a Secular Life, Feels Tuggings of her Jewish Past
JTA, 10 July 2013

How parenthood raised religious conflicts between myself and my husband, and made me a lot more Jewy.

A Hoarder’s Daughter Yields to a (Little) Mess
The New York Times, 4 January 2013

My musings on the messiness of motherhood.

Hoarding: A Love Story
Salon, 17 December 2011

At a holiday celebration, I found out that the man I was falling in love with was the child of a hoarder – a surprising coincidence, since I was as well. A story about home, shame, and skeletons in the closet – not to mention, everywhere else.
Watch me chat about this piece with Anderson Cooper on ‘Anderson: Living with a Hoarder.’

Tablet, 22 February 2013

Hear the tale of my lapsed and relapsed vegetarianism. (I read it on this podcast.)

My First Won Ton
The Guardian, 4 October 2013

You can listen to my story about blossoming teenage womanhood and my fall from Glatt grace. (Again, I’m reading it on a podcast.)

Learning to Ignore Parenting Judgment – Even From My Feminist Friends
Babble, 11 May 2012

My part-rant, part-contemplation, part-story on how there is no formula for motherhood. A pinch of painkiller beats a dose of dogma.

My Rudest Date
Nerve, 1 July 2011

After years of dating in England, adhering to strict social and romantic rules, it was only when I dropped my act that I met a crass, hairy toad – who turned out to be my prince charming.

The Bus Stop
[wherever], 12 September 2013

A reflection on the complicated process of travel-guide writing, set primarily in Cape Town. Featuring Austrian cockroaches, Parisian weight-gain, and seismic social change in South Africa.

Cat Adoption: Judgment Day
NBC Petside, 1 May 2012

On how I was too maternally incompetent to even become a cat lady.

The Day I Died
The Jerusalem Post Magazine, 12 March 2010

An essay about being a North American Jewish comedienne in England – a place where Jewish humor is not only not mainstream, but potentially lethal.

Nine Tips for Befriending a Brit
The Frisky, 30 June 2010

Some tips I gleaned from my attempt to navigate the social, romantic and professional codes of the Brits – a true Victorian minefield.

In London, Her Wedding Space Shapes the Whole Experience
Lilith, Spring 2010

My relationship notions were more informed by Sex and the City than the Talmud. But my orthodox wedding classes taught me that the age-old scriptures had insightful tips about contemporary romance. This essay was re-posted in the Huffington Post.

The Joy of Kvetch
Jewish Chronicle Celebrations Magazine, Autumn 2008

The only thing worse than complaining about your relatives is having nothing to complain about at all.

The Holiday of Light, Not Chiaroscuro
The Jewish Quarterly, Winter 2007

On my first Chanuka in England, I threw a party assuming that my posh cultured guests had heard of the holiday. They hadn’t.

An Interior Saunalogue
The Jewish Quarterly, Autumn 2007

My attempt to bridge the Muslim-Jewish culture gap in an East London sauna.

0 Replies to “Free Huimorous Essays”